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Young Writers Society



A Night To Behold

by Man on the Side


A Night to Behold

What a night to behold,
Watching the city lights glow
Like stars and diamonds
Sparkling, for the two of us alone.

We lie side by side,
In a car on standby;
Our ship on this lovely cruise
Float or sink, I'll be with you.

We put on some beats,
Turned on the player,
Here comes Bob Marley
To stir up some flavor.

Grooving to the music,
Our lips meet together
They recite some lyrics,
Something he fails to whisper.

Let's just keep this on,
Enjoy the sounds and the glow.
What a night to behold,
For the two of us alone.

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374 Reviews

Points: 7539
Reviews: 374

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Thu Jan 14, 2010 7:55 am
BondGirl007 wrote a review...



Hey Mots, (you don't mind if I call you that do you?) I really did like this poem quite a bit!
Your flow is great, and the way you sometimes were almost rhyming, but not quite I think is awesome,
and I really loved this stanz-

We lie side by side,
In a car on standby;
Our ship on this lovely cruise
Float or sink, I'll be with you.
Great job, keep writing!




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878 Reviews

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Reviews: 878

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Mon Dec 21, 2009 12:50 pm
Demeter wrote a review...



Hey, Man!

What a night to behold,
Watching the city lights glow
Like stars and diamonds
Sparkling, for the two of us alone.


The problem of this first stanza is that it's basically built on clichés. In a way, I like the first line, but when it gets to the lights sparkling like stars and diamonds – it's just a bit too boring, if you will. I've seen that hundreds of times, and it fails to interest me anymore. Also, I like the flow, but the last line is too long and so it breaks the flow. My advice is to think of some unique imagery and go beyond what you see.

The second stanza is better considering my problems with the first one.


We put on some beats,
Turned on the player,
Here comes Bob Marley
To stir up some flavor.


This one feels very different from the rest of the poem. At first you're talking about stars and creating a romantic atmosphere, then suddenly there's beats and Bob Marley, and the stanza rhymes. If you're going to make a poem rhyme, then do it, but don't leave it halfway. You either have rhymes or not – I wouldn't recommend going with both. It's just too confusing.

Grooving to the music,
Our lips meet together
They recite some lyrics,
Something he fails to whisper.


I don't think you would really say "meet together" – just "meet" or "get together", or anything of the sort. The last line leaves me a bit confused – is the "he" meaning the singer or perhaps one of the two? The flow isn't very good in this stanza, try to get it smoother.


Let's just keep this on,
Enjoy the sounds and the glow.
What a night to behold,
For the two of us alone.


I like how you wrapped it up with the theme of the poem. I've got a feeling that this was all very simple, and sometimes simple is good. You don't necessarily need big words to express your feelings, but it's usually more interesting for the audience if you try to make a little twist in what you would usually say or write.


All in all, I think you should use more not-so-obvious words, not words that can be used daily. This reminds me of a T. S. Eliot poem "Naming of Cats":

Spoiler! :
T. S. Eliot wrote:The naming of cats is a difficult matter,
It isn't just one of your holiday games;
You may think at first I'm mad as a hatter
When I tell you a cat must have three different names.
First of all, there's the name that family use daily,
Such as Peter, Augustus, Alonzo or James,
Such as Victor or Jonathan, George or Bill Bailey,
All of them sensible everyday names.
There are fancier names if you think they sound sweeter,
Some for the gentlemen, some for the dames;
Such as Plato, Admetus, Electra, Demeter,
But all of them sensible everyday names.
But I tell you, a cat needs a name that's particular,
A name that's peculiar, and more dignified,
Else how can he keep his tail perpendicular,
Or spread out his whiskers, or cherish his pride?
Of names of this kind, I can give you a quorum,
Such as Munkustrap, Quaxo or Coricopat,
Such as Bombalurina or else Jellylorum,
Names that never belong to more than one cat.
But above and beyond there's still one name left over,
And that is the name that you never will guess;
The name that no human research can discover,
But the cat himself knows, and will never confess.
When you notice a cat in profound meditation,
The reason, I tell you, is always the same:
His mind is engaged in a rapt contemplation
Of the thought, of the thought, of the thought of his name:
His ineffable, effable
Effanineffable
Deep and inscrutable singular name.


Okay, so, we're not talking about cats here, but you get the idea: poems are worthy of fancier words, so don't just stick to the ordinary ones when you can have the whole dictionary... ;)

I hope this helped and clears something up and doesn't come across as me being medication-deprived. Keep writing!


Demeter
x




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Points: 1706
Reviews: 10

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Mon Dec 21, 2009 11:08 am
ozasatya wrote a review...



The metaphors and similies are really good. But still:-
1

The car is on standby
instead of that perhaps you could simply say the car is off or something like that.
2
Something we fail to whisper.
What do you fail to whisper?
Otherwise it is a really good poem.It is my first review so if you do not agree with some things, i am kind of sorry. :)





ah yes my boiling cheetohs
— tatteredbones